Why It’s So Damn Hard to Connect Sometimes

I have to admit – some days my mind is so focused on work (or sports, or hobbies, or money, or, or, or… the list goes on), that its hard for me to even notice my spouse or kids. I just want to get my stuff done. And I don’t want any interruptions.

On days like this I’m not in any position to connect. And that can be ok….if I’ve made the effort to set the boundary and connect first.

Some days we need our time and space. Everyone does. But it can’t be at the expense of the people who matter most.

That’s because Connecting isn’t about you!

It might take a shift in mindset, attitude, and even learning new skills to get there, but this is the first step in learning to connect. John Maxwell has three questions he believes people are asking themselves when they are interacting with others:

1. Do you care for me?
2. Can you help me?
3. Can I trust you?

Dads, your family is asking you these three questions every day. What are your words, actions, and attitudes telling them in response?

Here are some ideas that may challenge you, but they are proven to build connection. When you make the difficult choice to focus on your family when they need you, the answers to those questions will be a resounding, YES!

Ways to shift the focus from you and connect more with your family:

Work on learning to understand and empathize with them

Author Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply.” How are you doing at this with your family? Would they say you understand them and relate to their feelings?

Many daughters say they don’t think they can talk to their dads about their problems because they are afraid of what their dad will say or do. They do not feel unconditional acceptance or understanding – mostly judgement and disappointment. This is not about relaxing values or saying dads should stop having high expectations. It is about creating a positive, welcoming and understanding atmosphere with the people closest to you. Three simple steps to achieve this result:

1. Allow them to express their feelings (and don’t jump in with solutions or minimize their feelings)

2. Actively listen (pay attention to their answer, look into their eyes while they speak, nod your head and acknowledge what they said, repeat your understanding and/or ask clarifying questions, etc)

3. Respond with empathy

This process is particularly important when others feel disappointed, hurt or feel you will be disappointed in them.

Identify strengths in your spouse and kids, then acknowledge and affirm them for their contributions to the family.

Zig Ziglar is famous for his motivational speaking. As a leader in personal development he also created an exercise he called “a life changing procedure.” This was a series of affirmations that people would read aloud to themselves every day.

Have you ever received a compliment from someone you admired? When I was a student athlete I received a handwritten note from my head coach with a strong statement of praise. To this day, I’m still moved when I think about the affirmation of my skills. That is the power that dads have to influence their family by identifying, acknowledging and affirming strengths in their family members. This can be as simple as a ‘thank you for being so patient’, or ‘you’re so organized, it really helps keep us ahead of these deadlines.’ Every positive word of affirmation builds deeper connection. And just in case you’re wondering, you can never affirm them too much.

Invite your family into decision making and ask them for feedback often.

Taking steps to ask for feedback and having open discussion will help your family feel valued, cared for and like they are contributing. You may also learn more about their perspectives, ideas, or passions by creating the conversation. Once everyone has been heard, decisions often get a lot easier to make and get more support. Most importantly, it begins to deepen understanding and can lead to greater trust in the relationship.

You can also find ways for each family member to use their strengths to support the family. This could be as simple as assigning specific chores for your kids based on their interests or having them develop the reward system for achieving specific goals. By creating an environment where your family shares openly, can take part in decisions, and feels like they have a place you are building deeper connection.

Sometimes family life is all consuming and you just need time to yourself. That’s why it’s even more important to find positive ways to connect before life gets crazy. In fact, connecting better creates more opportunity to create healthy boundaries. It also models to your family how to manage relationships in challenging times.

The reality is this can be damn hard, and some days the demands are so high it feels impossible! But when you shift the focus from yourself and onto your family, you’ll receive the reward of cooperation, respect, and trust. Is there any dad who couldn’t use a bit more of that?

Remember dads, you were made for this.