by John Hoffman
Today’s parents are much more into reasoning with kids than parents of a couple of generations ago. Back then parent-child dialogue was much more about telling kids what they had to do (and not do), and what would happen if they didn’t (or did) do it, than it is now.
In the 1970s parents started to shift away from power-based parenting and towards a more democratic approach. They started trying to reason with kids and explaining why kids had to do things.
Some discipline pundits think today’s Dads and Moms over-explain at times. But I don’t want to debate that point. I think explaining things to kids is here to stay, at least for the foreseeable future.
What I do want to talk about is how to make explaining work as well as possible. We often think it’s about finding the “just right” words. But what’s more important is making sure you are talking to the right part of your child’s brain.
What do I mean by that?
I’ve got a little analogy that I think will help. It comes from Stuart Shanker, the author of Self-Reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage in life. I should tell that I am a part-time employee of Dr. Shanker’s organization, The MEHRIT Centre. So I can’t claim to be an unbiased commentator here, but let me explain the analogy and you can decide if it’s useful. I think it is.
Stuart talks about two brain systems that affect our thinking, feelings and behaviour. He calls one the blue brain and the other the red brain. I’ll spare you the complex terms. But just understand that “blue brain” is the part of the brain that helps us with higher-order functions: reasoning, making judgments, getting along with people and controlling impulses. The blue brain also helps us read peoples’ tone of voice, facial expression and body language.
The red brain is a more primal brain system that developed much earlier in human evolution. It was designed to keep us safe and respond to threats. So “red brain” is really reactive. When we overreact, have a meltdown or experience really strong emotions or urges, that’s the red brain taking over. On the other hand, if you’re really engaged in reading or learning, or if you’re having a great conversation with a friend, you are “in blue brain.”
It’s not as if red brain completely shuts down when we’re in blue brain, or visa-versa. They are both operating all the time. But depending on the circumstances, one or the other can dominate, based on your brain’s subconscious judgment of what you need at that moment.
Here’s the thing. The brain is a wondrous thing. But the red brain’s judgment is not always perfect. That’s especially true if you’re a kid—even more so if you’re a kid who is upset or stressed out. In other words, when kids are in “red brain,” which happens a fair bit, that’s not the best time to explain things to them. Your explanation can actually seem like a threat.
The same can be true for adults. I’m sure you can think of times you tried to reason with an upset or stressed out person and they just didn’t seem to be able to listen to reason. That’s because their less reasonable, more reactive red brain had pushed their blue brain into the background.
I once interviewed a Dad who told me a story about an epic meltdown his son had at the county fair. For weeks his boy had been looking forward to riding on the bumper cars with his dad. When the ride attendant told him he was too small to ride, he just lost it.
Now, the back-story is that this little guy was already worn out from a long hot day at his school’s track and field day. He was also a wee bit stressed out from his excited anticipation, and may have had slightly low blood sugar because he hadn’t eaten a proper dinner. Add to that a long wait in the bumper car lineup and his big disappointment and you’ve got a perfect “red brain storm.”
Luckily, the boy’s parents sensed that this was not the time to try to explain why he couldn’t go on the ride. Nor to reassure him that some day he’d be big enough, or that they’d have fun going on other rides. Good call. The explanations wouldn’t have worked, because they would have been talking to the wrong part of their child’s brain. Instead, the parents just stayed with him, offering what support they could. And very importantly, they didn’t do anything to make the red brain storm worse. They didn’t yell or scold their son or say, “Don’t be such a baby!”
Equally important, they managed to keep from going into red brain themselves. Because, red brains talking to red brains… well, it’s just not good, as I’m sure you know from personal experience.
So essentially, what these parents did was comfort the boy as best they could and wait for the “storm” to pass. They kept their tone of voice, facial expression and body language soft and sympathetic.
It’s important to understand that, in a stress response, which is what a meltdown is, there are two parts of the nervous system hard at work. One of them is pumping us up with chemicals that prime us for action and alertness to danger. That’s the fight or flight response. Yet at the same time, another system is shooting us chemicals that help us recover from the stress, so we can come back to normal.
So, by not making it worse, and by offering support and comfort, these parents were working hand in hand with the boy’s stress system to bring him back to blue brain. It took a long time, the dad told me. But gradually the boy’s red brain began to figure out that he actually was safe. So the red brain retreated to the background, which is where we want it to be most of the time. The boy recovered and was able to move on.
So the next time you’re trying to explain something to your child, and it’s just not getting through, or your child just keeps getting more and more upset, don’t try harder to explain. Try to soothe the red brain.
Your explanation, if it’s still important, can wait for later, when the right part of your child’s brain—the blue brain—is able to listen.