by John Hoffman

In my second last post for Dad Central I want to go back one of the most important factors in fathering, which is mothers. Not the father’s own mother, but the mother of his children.

One of the first articles I wrote about fathering, almost 30 years ago, was about “roadblocks” to involved fatherhood. And for me, one of the main unexpected “roadblocks”— challenges is a more accurate and kinder way to put it—was our partners. I don’t mean our partners were intentionally shutting us out of baby care. But the intense and intimate mom-baby relationship, which is vitally important for both moms and babies, does affect dads. It’s a key factor that can make it hard for guys to get the dad-baby time they need to get to know their baby, build their caregiving skills and confidence, and feel in the loop in the early days of parenting.

It’s a complicated challenge. The mom-baby relationship, which sometimes sort of gets in Dad’s way, is really important. Despite the evolution in gendered parenting roles, in most families the parenting buck still stops with Mom in the early days of parenthood. They are literally hurled into motherhood, with little time to stop and find their feed. So lots of time with their babies helps them bond, learn what their babies need and, generally, get on top of the challenges of early motherhood.

One part of a new dad’s job is not to interfere with that, but to support it. The rub is, at the same time, we need to get on top of fatherhood too. Years ago I concluded, and I still believe this, that guys who want to be hands-on dads need to navigate a tricky balance between getting their own baby time, yet supporting their partner and not competing with her.

(Before I go any further, I want to recognize here that my perspective is based on the experience of heterosexual two-parent (female and male) families, where the parents live together.  I know very little about early parenting dynamics in gay father families, or families where the mom and dad reside separately.)

Some years later, when reading fatherhood research became part of my work, I learned that one thing “the research said” was that arguably the single biggest influence on how a father’s role and development evolves is his (female) partner . The quality of the partner relationship, how well Mom and Dad get along, and the degree to which she supports or undermines Dad’s role as a father, all have a huge influence on dads’ involvement.

What’s interesting is that the reverse is not true. While I don’t need studies to convince me that a good partner relationship and support are beneficial for mothers too, research has not found that fathers influence mothering anywhere near as much as mothers influence fathering.

I could go on, but the point I want to make is virtually the same one I would have made 25 years ago. If guys want to be involved dads, one of the best ways to help themselves is by supporting, and perhaps most importantly, understanding their partner’s early experience of mothering.

If you can do that:

1. Your partner is more likely to support of your involvement and less likely to see you as disrupting her mom/baby world.
2. She will feel more safe and at ease about “letting” you look after the baby.
3. You will have a deeper appreciation for her experience.  So if she is moody or critical of your caregiving, you will better understand her. You’ll understand that, for the most part, it’s not so much about you, as it is about her— her intense need to get and stay on top of her mothering responsibilities. That helps her be a good mom.
4. She will love you for it.

At the same time, you need to, as I once wrote, sort of “elbow your way in there.” But if you understand and honour her experience, you’ll “elbow” much more gently.

This approach will also help you navigate the various Mom-Dad parenting differences and partnership challenges that inevitably come up at various points in your child-rearing years. In short, it will help you be a good parenting team. And show me an effective parenting team, and I bet I’ll be able to show you an effective father who not only takes on his share of responsibility, but also enjoys and thrives in the role of dad.