by John Hoffman

The other night I saw something that made me happy—a father holding a very young baby.

My wife and I had gone to a comedy show at a small theatre here in Peterborough, ON. As we walked in, I noticed an infant car seat. That was unusual. I’d never seen a baby at this theatre before. Then I spied a man, one who’s a mainstay of the local theatre scene, holding a very tiny baby—like, probably just a couple of weeks old. I always like to see that. So often when I see parents out with tiny, sleeping infants, the baby is in a car seat.

But this fellow wasn’t just holding the baby, providing that physical contact that is soooo good for infants. He really looked comfortable, like he knew what he was doing. But I knew this was a first baby. So, clearly he’d already had a fair bit of experience caring for his baby, who turned out to be three weeks old. There was a sort of rhythm to his movements. He held the baby calmly, but he was never completely still. He swayed back and forth and rubbed the baby’s feet gently. Another thing that struck me was how comfortable his partner seemed to be with the baby being with Dad. I noticed her holding the baby very briefly, but the little guy spent pretty much the whole night in Dad’s arms.

That’s not always easy for a new mom to do. New moms tend to feel a huge weight of responsibility to learn caregiving skills quickly and be feel sure that their babies are OK, especially in public. It’s pretty unusual for me to see a situation where Dad is holding such a little baby almost all the time. So this woman clearly had a lot of confidence in her partner’s caregiving. I don’t always see that so early in a baby’s life.

I’m not saying Dads holding newborns more than mom should be the new normal or anything, but I want to explain why this scene made me feel so good.

For one thing, I’m always happy to see dads who are confident enough to handle their babies in public. When I see that I think, “This baby is going to have two people who are good at looking after him.” That’s good for the baby, good for Dad, good for Mom and good for the family in general.

I’m also happy when I see a mom who feels at ease with her partner’s caregiving. I think she’s lucky to have such an involved and skilled parenting partner. Feeling confident in your partner as a baby caregiver is a huge plus, and stress reducer, for a new mom. I think this confidence also says something good about the relationship between Mom and Dad. A good relationship between parenting partners is good for the whole family too.

And, of course, being a long-time advocate for father involvement, I always like to see fathers effectively and happily involved with kids of any age!

I don’t want to idealize these new parents too much. My impression of this Dad and Mom is based on one encounter. I’m sure they’ve had the odd tough moment in their first few weeks of parenthood, with more to come over the years. But they seem off to a great start, which is all that I can wish for any new Dad and Mom. And, if they have lots of supportive people around them— grandparents, family and friends – I’m sure they and their child will do well.

Having said all that, I don’t want so suggest that every dad has to be exactly like this fellow, after three weeks of fatherhood. I’ve met lots of perfectly good dads who took a little while to settle into the “clothes” of fatherhood. A lot of factors are involved in how quickly a father picks up his fathering skills—the baby’s health and personality, the father’s previous experience and personality, and, of course, Mom’s own confidence and personality. So, if you’re reading this and wishing you could feel as confident as the father I described, don’t be discouraged. Stick with it. Keep looking for chances to get to know your baby and build your skills and confidence. Hands-on fathering can only be learned through experience. And it takes some guys longer than others.

As for the rest of us, let’s remember that fathers of all kinds need our support and encouragement as they learn to become the effective hands-on dads that we (and they) would like them to be.

Looking for some info on dads bonding with babies? Check out Daddy, I Need You.