How to Build a Lasting Connection With Your Kids

Scientists have discovered that highly demanding and rewarding experiences create stronger memories. Wouldn’t you like to harness the power behind this science?

For dads, one of the most important things you can do is create a positive environment and intentionally invest in the relationship with your kids. When this happens, you’re establishing the base for their future success.

Strong memories are so valuable because they are connected to creating attachment. When kids are securely attached to their parents (watch Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s discussion on attachment research), they are less likely to be influenced by external forces like peers, social media, and other people. They are also more likely to follow your influence. For most parents – this is a daily challenge.

Knowing that creating strong memories can enhance your relationship, I’m sharing the following information as a starting point for you to intentionally invest in this area as a dad.

A recent study found that two factors – how challenging and rewarding the experience – resulted in stronger memories.

What can you do to build on this finding?

Start, or continue to create exciting and rewarding experiences for your family. Intentionally plan what this looks like for you. Every family is different, but to help get you started, here are three ideas:

1) Work hard to create the right experience for the setting. This requires your awareness and focus on what will bring about the best results in the moment. John Maxwell has a simple statement that has helped me make better choices in this area:

“Never trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.”

That’s wisdom. Take a moment and read it again. To create an experience everyone enjoys might mean managing yourself. If your goal is to connect and build positive memories, this is an important starting point.

2) Take the lead on using positive and rewarding language. Tell your partner and kids how much they matter to you. Words of affirmation are a powerful reward when received from a dad. A simple phrase helps me identify ways of affirming: Praise effort and reward performance. This aligns directly with what researchers have found about challenging and rewarding experiences building strong memories. If your child or partner is going through a challenging time, your praise of their effort in working through things will create a positive memory that you believe in them. When they overcome the challenge, finding a way to celebrate and reward their achievement will reinforce this message. Can you imagine what would happen if you consistently applied this approach?

3) Find ways to make things fun. I previously wrote about being a serious or silly dad. For me, the silliness didn’t come naturally, but I’ve learned to embrace it and seen the results. What’s better than seeing my kids laughter and joy because I made a different choice? When I work hard to create fun experiences, they are rewarding for me and my family.

Do you know what is fun for your family? What brings out their smiles and laughter? If you’re not sure, ask them! Everyone is different, so look for what will engage your family and make it happen.

I completely understand that it can be exhausting work to make an experience everyone in your family enjoys. But I know you value creating strong and positive memories, so the challenge and rewards will leave not only your family with stronger memories, but you, too.