by Brian Russell
In high school I remember girls talking with me about the boys in their lives. This was back in the 80’s and at that time the conversations with those girls were mostly about feeling disrespected, disconnected, or misunderstood by the boys. Girls didn’t speak of sexual assault or harassment, maybe because what was considered “the norm” back then was actually hurtful and demeaning to girls. But I also know that there were many, many times when my guy friends would say or do things that were harmful to girls’ esteem and image. It was supposed to be “humour”. But we know it was actually a form of violence.
Personally and professionally, how men treat women has always been on my radar. But harassment’s viciousness hit home when it, well, hit home. Carrie was 17 years old and had a part-time job working with a boy with autism. She left his home one day and was crossing a road to get to the bus stop. A car slowed down in front of her and 3 or 4 guys in the car started calling out to her, whistling, and making comments. Thankfully they drove on. But Carrie, alone on the sidewalk, was deeply shaken, scared, and hurt. When she got home we sat on the garden swing in the backyard and she cried. I just held her, feeling my own hurt and fear and anger, wondering about my own inadequacies for helping her. I want to be known as a man who protects his daughters. But seeing her hurt, I went through a bunch of things.
- Do I apologize for how men are treating her? Back in high school I was tempted to do this with the girls who spoke to me. But I don’t speak on behalf of all men. And we all have to take responsibility for our actions. Sometimes it is our sincere care that is more healing than an apology for someone else’s disrespect.
- What do I say? Issues of sex and sexuality can be uncomfortable topics. But this is not a discussion about the “nuts ’n’ bolts” of sex. It is about being a person and how we should expect to be treated with care and dignity.
- Am I guilty for not protecting her? Is that not my job? I guess it is, but part of protection is crafting a relationship where my girls can come to me when hurt happens, whether I am there or not.
- Have I been one of those boys? It is possible in my past that I have said things, done things, or affirmed things that reinforced the stereotype that girls are actually objects for boys’ pleasure. When harassment hits home the memories and emotions of our past can surface.
- What if I say too much? This is not a time to fix and give answers. Depending on the situation (like the age of your daughter), you may not even need to know who she is talking about. It is a time to listen to them. Attend to their heart. Connect with their fears and thoughts. Show them how a good man treats women.
- What would I do to that guy? Aggressive, forceful, threatening language targeted at the aggressor is not helpful. Daughters are already feeling vulnerable and our anger, even though it is not at them, may lead to them feeling unsafe and unheard.
There are lots of other questions and emotions we go through. But all this makes me wonder about what we can do as dads navigating these uncomfortable situations.
Our daughters need our steady assertiveness. They need to know we have been thinking about their safety and well-being since the day they were born and that we have their backs when things go south. They also need our gentleness. This builds trust and in all relationships trust is gold.
They also need our voice. Keep the conversation going by saying things like “What was that like for you?”, “Did anything else happen?”, “How do you feel right now?”, “Tell me more about that, if you want.” These are meant to be on-going conversations, not a one-off moment. Harassment and assault can happen at any age. Daughters need to always know their dad will be attentive to their feelings and careful with their hurts.
Carrie’s story is also Jenna’s. And likely Eryn’s and Sarah’s and Rachel’s and Alicia’s and . . . well, you get the point. It is almost every girl’s story. Yet we cannot let any girl begin to believe that being treated this way is the “norm”. They should not be left to just shrug off what is said and done to them. There are no excuses for being treated without dignity and viewed as an object. Not every girl is physically sexually assaulted, but with the momentum of the #metoo movement, the allegations against government and public figures, the stories of rape and assault from the past, we are once again reminded that violence comes in many ways. Comments and attitudes, whether subtle or overt, may not be the most hurtful, but we must acknowledge they can do deep damage, too.
So over the next little while Dad Central will be opening up the conversation about this. We want to discuss talking with boys about these things, about how our own past can influence our parenting now, the realities of human trafficking, and other relevant issues. Men, it is a time for courage. We need our children to be able to grow up safe, secure, and without fear. We need our children to know they matter and should expect to be treated with respect. We need them to know that their dad, the first man in their life, values them for who they are. We invite anyone to join the conversation using #dadcares and #timeforcourage.