by John Hoffman
I’m starting to think ahead to the time when I will no longer be contributing to this blog. I plan to “retire” from regular writing about fatherhood in March 2019. I’ve had lots of chances to express my views and values about fatherhood. It’s time for me to move aside and make room for new, younger voices.
However, I’m not done quite yet. In my last half-dozen or so blogs I want to revisit some fatherhood and parenting issues that I have been writing about, and felt strongly about, for many years. This month I want to look at spanking/corporal punishment. I’ve written about this issue various times over the years. I covered a landmark court case about whether or not it is legal for parents and teacher to use corporal punishment to discipline children (Yes it is, but only for “correction” and only with kids between the ages of 2 and 12, if you can believe that). I once traveled to Sweden to try to get a sense of what it would be like for parents to live in a country where spanking was outlawed (Very good actually).
Recently I saw an article about yet another research study that, like many others before it, concluded that spanking is not good for kids. Or, to be more precise, the authors concluded that there is good evidence that spanking is associated with negative long-term outcomes in children.
But you know what? I ’m not very interested in those sorts of studies. Human development is so complex that I think it’s very hard to tease out one of the myriad influences—spanking—and prove that it did long term harm. But more importantly, I think that’s the wrong question to ask about spanking.
For me there are two more important questions. One is, “Do children have the same right to be protected from assault as adults?” And for me the answer is a resounding yes. But the even more practical question from a father’s standpoint is, do you really have to hit kids to raise them right? And I don’t need a study to answer my question. I have met so many awesome children and young adults that were never spanked. They are all the proof I need that you can raise kids without hitting.
So, if you don’t have to hit your kids, why would you want to?
Well, I doubt that very many parents actually want to spank their kids. It’s more like they lose their temper and swat their child at a moment when they are stressed out (more about stress later). Sure, some people (mostly older people) still feel that parents have to be able to pull spanking out of their bag of trick to teach certain really important lessons. But you don’t. Studies show this. The research I mentioned earlier also showed that spanking was an ineffective discipline and teaching method. What’s more, there is no evidence that kids in Sweden, or the many other countries in Europe that have banned spanking, steal, lie, or run out into traffic more often than kids in countries that still allow corporal punishment. I cite those three “offences” because those are the ones people often use to justify the need for spanking as a way to teaching a lesson.
Spanking does teach kids something. But it teaches the wrong something to the wrong part of a child’s brain. If we want children to truly learn a lesson or rule we are trying to teach—really understand and buy into it—we have to reach the thinking part of their brain. Being spanked is about fear and pain. Those experiences grab the attention of the limbic system, sometimes called the emotional brain. It’s the part of the brain that, among other things, remembers strong negative emotions and experiences—things we want to avoid in the future. I want them to understand and internalize the idea that running out into the street is dangerous. I don’t want them to learn to avoid getting a spanking, or to be afraid of their dad.
I remember a father who once told me about swatting his daughter (in a minor way) for running out into the street. Afterward, he asked her, “Why shouldn’t you run out into the street? The girl didn’t hesitate. “Because, you’ll be mad,” she replied. “Oh man, that’s so the wrong message,” he said to me.
Last point. Here’s what I think spanking your kid really means most of the time. It doesn’t mean you’re a mean, horrible dad. It means you are overstressed. And when you’re overstressed, you’re not at your best. That’s because your thinking brain has been shoved to the background by the limbic system. So you’re more likely to get upset easily. That can lead to various kinds of lashing out, not only spanking, but also yelling, screaming and insults.
So, if you find yourself spanking your kids, yelling or constantly having to fight the urge to do so, look at your stress level. Don’t ask yourself, why can’t I make my kid LISTEN? ? Ask, why am I so stressed and what can I do about that? If you can figure out how to reduce and recover from the stress that’s affecting you, you won’t feel the urge to hit your child as often.
And I’m pretty sure that’s how most dads would like to parent.